Thoughts and Adventures of a Theatre Kid

Do you not know..? That is the phrase that came to me this morning during the sermon at Highlands.  I wrote it on my hand so as to not forget it because it helped to remind me of how loved I am. This is what the phrase reminded me of: "Do you not know how loved you are by the Holy One?" God loves me no matter what, just as I am. I'm loved as a queer person. I am brave. I am confident. I have a strong spirit. I know more than I think I do, while at the same time the more I know the less I know, and it's okay to not yet know as long as I keep learning and growing. There has been so much personal growth in the last two and a half years. I am resourceful and creative. I love deeply. I am an inclusive person, knowing what it's like to be on the outside. These are my attempt to put to words the feeling I had as, "Do you not know..?" floated through my thoughts. Last night while I was up at Left Hand I had a moment of reflection about

I don't usually write about dreams I have.  The one I had last night was so vivid and so much like something out of The Shack  that I wanted to share it with you all. Here it is as written in my journal: I had a really bizarre set of dreams last night.  The first one had to do with a job of some sort, which had to do with a house that was being built, a garden, and something else I can't quite remember.  I remember I was with a group of people who I was in charge of.  Were we close friends?  I don't know.  We were all going on this adventure carrying things in our arms.  I'm not sure what the things were that we were carrying.  Maybe we were working on a project?  Or maybe we were going on a journey and that was a stop along the way. At some point this dream shifted to me sort of waking up/becoming conscious in a kitchen and dining room of sorts with many photos, drawings, and other memorabilia.  Someone was cooking.  I wandered around for a while- I don't kn

It's been a crazy week.  So many things have happened!  I'm not going to talk about all of them here but I might talk more about one or two of the things in later blog posts. I finished the first week back at school with the kids and survived in mostly one piece.  It was definitely not an easy week "back at the ranch", so to speak.  By Friday I felt like I was dragging myself across the finish line into the weekend completely exhausted.  Even after a whole weekend I still felt like I was dragging when I started this week off. It's hard to tell the exact reason for this lagging, though if I listen to my gut I know the answer.  My gut is, and has been for a while now, telling me it's time to move on from my current job.  Does this scare me?  Yes.  Does it excite me?  Yes.  I think I'm ready for a change of venue.  I love the kids but ultimately need something more sustainable and less soul-sucking.  What will the new thing (or things) be/look like?

I've been asking myself a certain question for a while now because I'm constantly bothered by it. What is this mysterious question?  It is this:  Why do we constantly strive for perfection in how we present ourselves to the world?  Why do we wear a mask? This is what has been marinating in my thoughts, especially in the last day or so. Take Facebook for example.  It's essentially a highlight reel of our lives; the best of us that we want to present to the world.  This depiction  is only a small snapshot and an inaccurate one at that.  There are aspects of our lives we have omitted from the public view- why?  Is there something we have to hide from the rest of the world? I wonder what would happen if we were all more open and honest about the things that go on behind the scenes.  I wonder if we would strive less for perfectionism and embrace our imperfections and the things that make us human.  I wonder if it would relieve the pressure to perform and lessen the f

Have you ever taken the time to sit back and think about the word "Encouragement"? The definition of encouragement is "the action of giving someone support, confidence, and hope".  Broken down the word says "in courage of", essentially meaning that to give encouragement is to empower another person; endowing them with courage. I especially like how the word courage is in the word. Oftentimes we doubt ourselves and our abilities, lacking confidence to do the (new) thing or things that we have the skills and talents to do.  Sometimes this self-doubt bleeds into the things we've been doing for forever or for a little while. It's in these times we especially need people in our lives who are able to give us the encouragement we need.  It gives us strength to do the thing. I am an encourager.  It comes naturally to me.  When I am around other people and I can see someone who looks as though they may need a little boost to their day, I do it

Nay.  Nay.  Nay. These are the voices that surface in my mind when I begin to feel inspired by others who are talented and off doing amazing things in the world.  Anyone else? I believe that I can do a thing and then the voices come in and say  nay .  Every time I think I might be talented or gifted in a certain way something or other comes along to say no- you're not good enough; there are others who are better.  Why CAN'T I be great in those ways?  What's stopping me?  Is it the nay-sayers?  I'm oftentimes motivated and inspired but unsure of how to move forward.  I get stuck.  It feels as though the nay-sayers have won. This last week I've come to realize sometimes you just have to put yourself out there.  To take a chance.  Sure, you can live in a safe bubble forever but you will not grow and become.  The nay-sayers want us to stay in our comfort zones and not come out.  They want us to think we aren't enough, that we don't have the necessary sk

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door.  You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" You don't succeed by playing it safe. That is a lesson I have been learning these past few weeks.  Interestingly enough it has been through my playing a video game called Fortnite  by Epic Games that the lesson has hit home the most.  You see, in Fortnite  there are different game modes, and in all of them the goal is to be the last person or team standing.  There is the choice to play it safe and there is the choice to go all-in.  Choosing the "play it safe" option lets you wander around the outskirts of the island gathering up materials, tools, and weapons to use in more of a late-game setting.  It lets you potentially last longer.  However, it is very difficult to learn how to actually stay alive once you do run into oth

Ever had so full a brain that it causes you to become scatterbrained?  In such times brains become too full with thoughts and ideas floating around to be able to think properly.  Full brains may even cause a person to do something they will regret- such as accidentally putting salt in coffee.  That was me on Tuesday- my brain was so full I somehow thought salt was sugar and put in in my drink. Yes, you read that correctly- I don't recommend it.  It tastes awful.  Never put salt in your coffee, even accidentally, and then proceed to drink it.  I somehow thought it was a good idea. Salty coffee could be a metaphor for life. It's easy to be so caught up in something that it blinds you to your surroundings; caught up in your thoughts.  If one is not careful they may miss out on nouns of vital importance to life.  Deceptively sweet but in reality salty, we keep drinking even when it isn't good for us.  We want so badly for it to be good that we miss the fact it's actuall

I can't do it.  I can't be quiet and sit and watch from the sidelines when I have a voice.  I'm not going to ignore the feelings I have about what's happening in our country just to please those who I might offend.  I want to do what I can with what has been given to me to stand up for those who are not able to and for those who are unwilling to. When did the lives of real, breathing, living humans become about political power?  When did we stop caring for our neighbor?  When did being right become better than loving?  When did religion and religiousness and following the Bible to a "T" become better than seeing each other as God sees us- as humans who ALL deserve love?  When did we forget that our neighbor is not only those who we agree with and who live next to us but also everyone we come across no matter their place of origin, sexuality, or religion? When will we see that we aren't that different from one another? We are hypocrites if we follow G

My heart has been heavy this last week.  Every time I've logged onto social media I hear and see something to do with all that's been happening at the border.  It causes me to feel all sorts of emotions not the least of which has been anger and outrage at what's been going on. I'm sure most all of you have heard by now about what's happening at our boarders.  Families are being ripped apart as soon as they cross over, seeking safety in our country and fleeing the violence in theirs.  Except they don't exactly find the safety they were looking for here.  Thanks to the Zero Tolerance Policy that has been put in place by our president, it no longer matters whether or not these people are seeking safety and/or asylum- they are all being treated as criminals, being put into prisons and being deported.  This is wrong.  This is not okay.  It needs to stop.  I can't even say "this is not who we are" because sadly, it is and has been.  Our history as a co

There are some who might wonder why I go to church so often.  Some might wonder why I still go while others might wonder why I go to the church I go to.  And still more may wonder how I can believe what I believe and go to church.  I can tell you it is NOT because I'm super religious.  Let me tell you why I go. I love the church I go to.  I love the people who go there.  I feel loved and safe and accepted for all of me.  They are my people; my community; my adopted family.  Highlands church has become all of these things for me as well as Left Hand church.  I go because I feel alive every Sunday and I truly love the songs and the worship and the sermons they give.  It makes me think.  Every Sunday (and sometimes Saturdays) I make the journey there not out of a sense of duty or religiousness but purely because I want to and for the joy I feel surrounded by people I love.  No obligations felt here- just love and community- and I wouldn't miss going for the world.  These two pla

A month ago I had the amazing privilege of being able to go to a conference through my church.  The name of this conference was "She Is Called".  It was awesome to be surrounded by so many powerful woman in various roles of leadership and you would be hard-pressed to not be in awe and amazement of all the wonderful things that were happening there.  I would say it was one of those moments in time which you might call significant.  I'm still processing everything that went on there.  I call that weekend significant for a few reasons. Some of you from my college days may recall my story of becoming a theatre major.  For those of you who may not be aware, the summer after my sophomore year of college I went on a trip to Albania and had what some may call a "mountaintop experience"- literally.  It was from the terror and awe I felt atop that mountain in Albania that the next three weeks I kept hearing/feeling that I needed to change majors from graphic design to