Following the Call is terrifying- And so worth it!

A month ago I had the amazing privilege of being able to go to a conference through my church.  The name of this conference was "She Is Called".  It was awesome to be surrounded by so many powerful woman in various roles of leadership and you would be hard-pressed to not be in awe and amazement of all the wonderful things that were happening there.  I would say it was one of those moments in time which you might call significant.  I'm still processing everything that went on there.  I call that weekend significant for a few reasons.

Some of you from my college days may recall my story of becoming a theatre major.  For those of you who may not be aware, the summer after my sophomore year of college I went on a trip to Albania and had what some may call a "mountaintop experience"- literally.  It was from the terror and awe I felt atop that mountain in Albania that the next three weeks I kept hearing/feeling that I needed to change majors from graphic design to theatre.  I had essentially put my trust in God to help get me down that mountain and in the process also put my trust in where I was now being led.  It wasn't easy and I agonized over the decision for those three weeks prior to my junior year of college.  Even when I arrived back at college to make the decision I was pretty terrified because when you feel the call of God you never really know quite what you're getting into.  There were people who thought I had made a mistake because why waste my artistic talents on theatre as something they thought I wasn't good enough for.  I knew it was the right decision and I felt it deep inside that theatre was where I needed to be and I grew in confidence and in myself through it the next two years.

The next time I felt what you might say is a call was summer of 2016 when I first came to Denver for a summer program.  That summer was very formative for me and I discovered much about myself.  At the end of it I knew I needed to move away from Iowa so I could become my own person and formulate for myself what I believed but it was terrifying to move from a place where you've been most of your life and to a place where you didn't yet have any friends and had no family.  Change from places of comfort is hard, even when you know you need to and it's for the betterment of yourself in order for you to grow more fully into who you were meant to be.  I remember wanting to live in Denver so badly and I remember praying really hard every day when I went back to Iowa after that summer.  One reason I wanted back so badly was a church called Highlands that I had the chance to visit before I left back for Iowa.  I also remember the weekend a week into being back in Iowa when I simultaneously got both a job AND a place to live in Denver!  It felt like God was at work to bring me back to Denver and also to my church family of Highlands.

It seems to me that two years is a magic number because again, I'm feeling what I think is the call of God except this time it feels sort of bigger and more significant.  It was when I was at the conference that I felt it.  This feeling started as a sort of inner fire in my gut and refused to be put out but rather grew bigger as the weekend went on.  I'm not sure how or why I was more attuned to the possibility of what God might be telling me but I felt sort of hyper aware of certain things during the conference.  Perhaps part of it was the inspiration I felt from being surrounded by so many awesome and powerful woman.  I was also pretty intimidated and kind of felt out of place but insanely curious.  I came to realize that I was actually right where I was meant to be and that I AM a leader- maybe not how others are or even yet how some were but in my own way and time.  In the weeks that have followed I have come to start to believe I am brave, that I do have self-confidence, that I am also powerful, that I do have a voice and a say.

This is where I get a bit scared to admit what it is that I think God was telling me but I just can't shake it:  I feel like I'm being called to be a pastor.  Yep. Gasp! A pastor?  Me?  Are you sure God?  If that is what I'm meant to do I want to do it like my Highlands family and Left Hand church.  I would want to be one that helps bring healing and reconciliation to people, especially those who have been wounded by the church and had the Bible thrown at them in ways that is incredibly damaging.  I want to love people and walk alongside them.  I also want to be able to utilize my artistic gifts. I want people to know they don't have to choose one side or another but rather that they can just be and they can be both/and.  I would want them to know how loved they are and that they have a place to call home and aren't left out but rather included and valued.  I want to help create a bigger table, one where EVERYONE is welcome, NO MATTER WHAT.  It doesn't matter if you believe or don't believe or believe in something else or what your background is.  All would be welcome.  That is the sort of pastor I would want to be and the sort of place I'd want to help create.

It's a terrifying time in my life but it's also super exciting because while I may not know where I will end up yet, it's the journey that's the best part of it all.