Confused In A Safe Place
As of yesterday afternoon I have returned to Denver- though that's been accompanied by many thoughts and feelings and confusing things. It's good to be back, despite feeling a bit jumbled and lost. I've moved to a new place and have housemates! Now I don't have to live by myself- at least for right now, and I'm super excited about it. And work starts tomorrow. Blah, I dislike starting up again on a Monday because it makes the week seem so long.
I have a fair amount of processing to do from my two week trip back to the Midwest for Christmas and New Years. Last night I was out with a group of friends for supper and I was at a bit of a loss as to what to say about my visit- I had just flown in that afternoon and was feeling almost like I was dreaming. This morning at church they had a "stones of remembrance" thing where some members of the community told stories of how they'd seen God at work. As I was sitting there listening to their stories it sort of renewed a part of my soul and it was good for me to hear about all the goodness in people's lives.
My emotions were rather jumbled and shaky this morning and I was a little distracted by my thoughts straying back to my time back in Iowa. There were a few times where I felt like crying while I was sitting there listening and I've basically been almost a train wreck of emotions today. It's not something you can tell just by looking at me though, usually. I'm working on breaking that wall down and being vulnerable which is hard to do after having had it up for so long.
I was reminded today that I'm in a safe place. I didn't know I needed to hear that until it was said to me. I'm lucky to be somewhere where I can be me without fear of being judged. I was also surprised to hear that I was missed- let me tell you, it was so awesome to hear that from friends- something that was much needed for my spirits! They were missed as well. As I was reading this afternoon there was a realization (or two) of how far I've come but also of how far I still have to go on this journey called life. As far as feelings of self-worth go there has been some progress but there is still a long ways before I REALLY believe certain truths rather than just knowing them. I can definitely tell I've grown in confidence and in confidence in who I am. It's been fun seeing myself shed who I used to think of myself to my true self and who I really am. It's why I get incredibly frustrated and annoyed when others only see who I used to be or only as a "mini me" to my parents or family who are super conservative, when I am not. I think something that'd be helpful to me is if those who see me were to affirm something about me. I need positive feedback, so to speak. It'd definitely help with feelings of self-worth.
It'd also be good to know that what I feel is valid in terms of my situation back home in Iowa. I've been feeling guilty about being me, in all my glory, while here in Denver and then not being able to back there because I can't do that without causing a rift or two. I've also been feeling guilty for some feelings I have towards certain members of my family or for thinking differently than they do because it feels like I'm going behind their backs- even if it isn't a bad thing that I think for myself and have my own thoughts and opinions and life.
Through it all I just keep reminding myself: I am loved. Wanted. Adored. Delighted in by God.
If anyone would like to hear or know more of my thoughts or feelings and/or more about my break, please let me know! PM or text me. I'd love to meet up or talk/text, even if it's sometimes difficult to get the words out in a coherent or concise manner.
I have a fair amount of processing to do from my two week trip back to the Midwest for Christmas and New Years. Last night I was out with a group of friends for supper and I was at a bit of a loss as to what to say about my visit- I had just flown in that afternoon and was feeling almost like I was dreaming. This morning at church they had a "stones of remembrance" thing where some members of the community told stories of how they'd seen God at work. As I was sitting there listening to their stories it sort of renewed a part of my soul and it was good for me to hear about all the goodness in people's lives.
My emotions were rather jumbled and shaky this morning and I was a little distracted by my thoughts straying back to my time back in Iowa. There were a few times where I felt like crying while I was sitting there listening and I've basically been almost a train wreck of emotions today. It's not something you can tell just by looking at me though, usually. I'm working on breaking that wall down and being vulnerable which is hard to do after having had it up for so long.
I was reminded today that I'm in a safe place. I didn't know I needed to hear that until it was said to me. I'm lucky to be somewhere where I can be me without fear of being judged. I was also surprised to hear that I was missed- let me tell you, it was so awesome to hear that from friends- something that was much needed for my spirits! They were missed as well. As I was reading this afternoon there was a realization (or two) of how far I've come but also of how far I still have to go on this journey called life. As far as feelings of self-worth go there has been some progress but there is still a long ways before I REALLY believe certain truths rather than just knowing them. I can definitely tell I've grown in confidence and in confidence in who I am. It's been fun seeing myself shed who I used to think of myself to my true self and who I really am. It's why I get incredibly frustrated and annoyed when others only see who I used to be or only as a "mini me" to my parents or family who are super conservative, when I am not. I think something that'd be helpful to me is if those who see me were to affirm something about me. I need positive feedback, so to speak. It'd definitely help with feelings of self-worth.
It'd also be good to know that what I feel is valid in terms of my situation back home in Iowa. I've been feeling guilty about being me, in all my glory, while here in Denver and then not being able to back there because I can't do that without causing a rift or two. I've also been feeling guilty for some feelings I have towards certain members of my family or for thinking differently than they do because it feels like I'm going behind their backs- even if it isn't a bad thing that I think for myself and have my own thoughts and opinions and life.
Through it all I just keep reminding myself: I am loved. Wanted. Adored. Delighted in by God.
If anyone would like to hear or know more of my thoughts or feelings and/or more about my break, please let me know! PM or text me. I'd love to meet up or talk/text, even if it's sometimes difficult to get the words out in a coherent or concise manner.
Comments
Post a Comment