A Journey Back To Me
This last week was an interesting one. I did quite a bit of self-reflection and thinking about...well, a lot. Even a week back there are still aspects of Christmas break I'm still trying to process and give voice to.
I've come to the conclusion, as of today, that I still struggle with being free to be myself. It still feels at times like there's someone watching over my shoulder just waiting to judge me or watch me mess up or reject me. However, that feeling has been getting less and less of a thing as I spend more and more time here in Denver. I'm learning just what it is to be Caitlin and what I believe, how I see the world and interact with it, what my own thoughts and opinions are, and my personality and quirks. It's almost as if I'm becoming more me each day, if that makes any sense.
This last week has had me asking all sorts of questions and also giving myself permission to doubt or have thoughts/feelings that may or may not be the best but are none-the-less valid. It's sort of been me giving myself permission to do what I have fought against for a long time because I was afraid of the repercussions that might or might not occur. It's me valiantly trying to beat down the wall I have built up in order to reveal the me on the other side in all the glory and work that God's been doing on me and in my life- trust me, it's been a lot! Hind sight is always 20-20 they say, and it's true. I can see the "rabbit trail" and fingerprints of God as I look back on this last year and it just blows my mind!
I'm learning much about myself, such as how I can't seem to pick just one area or skill to learn/master, how I have huge amounts of optimism, hope, and joy, how ambitious I actually can be, my energy, my zest for life, my struggles with self-worth, etc. It's been quite the journey thus far and I have a feeling I'm only getting started! It'll be cool to see how God works in my life in the weeks, months, and years to come- I'm actually rather excited. I love looking back and seeing the growth that's happened and currently happening, even if I don't always have the words to describe what I feel or experience.
After reflecting on the events of break I have finally reached a place where I can feel free to let myself feel the emotions I felt while back in Iowa and then those of coming back to Denver. I am okay with feelings of guilt because I know that I'm free to live my own life and am not responsible for living the lives of those I love still back in the Midwest. I am okay with having different opinions, thoughts, and views than much of my family- I'm me, not them. I am glad to have been able to learn more about my family, both of the good parts and bad parts, which I didn't even know about until a week and a half ago. I hope to learn more. Most importantly, I am okay with living my own life the way I feel called to and how God calls me to. I am becoming more fearless each day, I think. I am starting to find more and more peace. And I am learning to be bold and brave and open.
So far I've found that the more I grow and know more of Christ and grow deeper in trust and relationship and knowledge of him the more I find myself. I hope that makes sense.
I loved the sermon from church today- check it out! --> http://www.highlandschurchdenver.org/audio-items/now-more-than-ever-do-the-next-right-thing-mark-tidd/
I've come to the conclusion, as of today, that I still struggle with being free to be myself. It still feels at times like there's someone watching over my shoulder just waiting to judge me or watch me mess up or reject me. However, that feeling has been getting less and less of a thing as I spend more and more time here in Denver. I'm learning just what it is to be Caitlin and what I believe, how I see the world and interact with it, what my own thoughts and opinions are, and my personality and quirks. It's almost as if I'm becoming more me each day, if that makes any sense.
This last week has had me asking all sorts of questions and also giving myself permission to doubt or have thoughts/feelings that may or may not be the best but are none-the-less valid. It's sort of been me giving myself permission to do what I have fought against for a long time because I was afraid of the repercussions that might or might not occur. It's me valiantly trying to beat down the wall I have built up in order to reveal the me on the other side in all the glory and work that God's been doing on me and in my life- trust me, it's been a lot! Hind sight is always 20-20 they say, and it's true. I can see the "rabbit trail" and fingerprints of God as I look back on this last year and it just blows my mind!
I'm learning much about myself, such as how I can't seem to pick just one area or skill to learn/master, how I have huge amounts of optimism, hope, and joy, how ambitious I actually can be, my energy, my zest for life, my struggles with self-worth, etc. It's been quite the journey thus far and I have a feeling I'm only getting started! It'll be cool to see how God works in my life in the weeks, months, and years to come- I'm actually rather excited. I love looking back and seeing the growth that's happened and currently happening, even if I don't always have the words to describe what I feel or experience.
After reflecting on the events of break I have finally reached a place where I can feel free to let myself feel the emotions I felt while back in Iowa and then those of coming back to Denver. I am okay with feelings of guilt because I know that I'm free to live my own life and am not responsible for living the lives of those I love still back in the Midwest. I am okay with having different opinions, thoughts, and views than much of my family- I'm me, not them. I am glad to have been able to learn more about my family, both of the good parts and bad parts, which I didn't even know about until a week and a half ago. I hope to learn more. Most importantly, I am okay with living my own life the way I feel called to and how God calls me to. I am becoming more fearless each day, I think. I am starting to find more and more peace. And I am learning to be bold and brave and open.
So far I've found that the more I grow and know more of Christ and grow deeper in trust and relationship and knowledge of him the more I find myself. I hope that makes sense.
I loved the sermon from church today- check it out! --> http://www.highlandschurchdenver.org/audio-items/now-more-than-ever-do-the-next-right-thing-mark-tidd/
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