And The Lost Shall Be Found

Happy New Year!!

So, I'll be honest- I wasn't sure what to write this time around up until the last few hours or so.  All I know is I want to keep writing these blog posts once a week and, oh snap- today's the day!  This week's inspiration comes from my own thoughts and feelings from this past week but also from something I listened to this evening, which I think is pretty powerful.  You'll have to read to the end to find out.

I've felt a wide range of emotions this last week.  First up has been anger and frustration with my brother.  I love him, but when he constantly ignores any sort of communication I try to have with him, or when he does see fit to respond, it's always "I'm busy".  Last weekend, for Christmas Eve and Christmas, he wasn't at all social except for when certain cousins were involved- that's when he talked!  And it didn't feel good either- if felt very exclusionary.  It also hurts because when I texted him a week and a half ago he said he'd try to hang out with me but now that I'm in the same area as he is he hasn't even made an effort to spend any sort of time with his sister.  Apparently his friends and girlfriend are more important than me.  And while I understand he's old enough to live his own life I don't agree with how he's going about doing it because it's seriously hurting the people around him who love him- and I should know because I witnessed another breakdown by my mother this afternoon coming back from my aunt's place! (I've lost track now how many times mom's lost it (since dad died, at least)- both in tears and anger- and have been on the receiving end of it...just listening and trying not to implode...) So yeah- I'm pretty mad at my brother.

I also feel pretty conflicted at the moment.  On the one hand I get where mom's coming from and do my best to be a good daughter and lover her and do what I can to help her.  On the other hand I feel a sort of frustration (and maybe a tad bit of anger) with her from current times but also from past times.  I feel a sort of resentment for having been raised in a conservative home and having had my life up to college "controlled" by her (and, by extension, my dad).  I feel some resentment at having had to deal with the stigma of parents who were "too conservative/protective" and the exclusion that followed in middle school and high school because of that.

Here's where I get truly confused and conflicted and feel like I'm having some sort of "mid-life crisis":  I feel guilty for feeling this way- I feel guilty because I know she loves me and does a lot for me.  I feel guilty because I think to myself, maybe she doesn't deserve me thinking this way about her, even though it's how I feel!  Which I guess is valid.  And what she feels is valid too.  I don't know if I should even be thinking this stuff about my family, but I am, and I do.  It's human, right?  Is it normal?  What even is normal?

Right now I think I'm in the part of life where I'm questioning anything and everything, and having to rethink my points of view and my whole belief system.  It feels as though whatever platform I was standing on is just gone, and now I'm sort of free-falling until I find my "wings".  Or, I've been shipwrecked on an island in the middle of the ocean after leaping off a cliff and am swimming around trying to find land.  Either way I think you get the point of what I'm trying to say.  I feel lost and without direction!  Which brings me to my most important point of this post.

This evening I listened to an audio recording of my church in Denver's sermon from this morning because I was curious as to what it was about.  I found it was about being lost, which is sort of ironic considering all I've been feeling lately, and probably something I needed to hear.  Tonight I learned (or re-learned) that being lost is OK.  In fact, it's likely one of the best things that could happen to you or I- without it we cannot learn and grow into who we were made to be.  The speaker mentioned something about a hero's path that each of us, if we so choose to accept the challenge/quest, will travel at some point in our life.  If we do not do this then we go nowhere and remain stagnant and unchanged- like a child never growing up and becoming an adult and remaining a child forever.  

Being lost is scary.  I remember several instances where I was lost as a child, and even a few times up to now!  There was a really great poem that was read which had to do with a forest and being lost.  Its basic theme was that if you find yourself lost in a forest to stand still, because the forest isn't lost and it will find you.  The speaker then went on to liken the forest to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  They spoke of John the Baptist, cousin of Jesus, who while he was in jail discovered he was lost, even having grown up knowing Jesus!  He had to first be lost before he was found- not necessarily physically but spiritually lost.  It was very reassuring to me, and I hope to you too!

Also, here's the poem I referred to in case you're interested:

Lost

by David Wagoner

When you're lost in the forest, stand still

When you're lost in the forest, stand still

The trees ahead and bushes beside you are not lost

Wherever you are is called here

you must treat it as a powerful stranger

Must ask its permission to know it and be known

Listen, the forest breathes, it whispers

I have made this place around you

If you leave, you may return again, saying "here"

No two trees are the same to raven

No two branches are the same to wren

If what a tree or a branch does is lost on you

Then you are surely lost

What do you do when you're lost in the forest?

Stand still, the forest knows where you are

You must let it find you.