In The Waters of Vulnerability
My face hurts from smiling so much today. I almost feel as if I got married or something because of all the "congratulations!" I've received. I've felt so loved today too. Here's why- I was baptized today!! And it was amazing, if not a little nerve-wracking. Back when I was applying for jobs this past August, and when I was in the interviewing process, I prayed about if Denver was where I should go- but I also prayed about the possibility of baptism. And now here we are.
Going into today I was super excited for my baptism- I'd been anticipating and looking forward to it all week! It's all I've been able to think about for the last while, and I'll likely keep thinking about this day in the days to come too. When I arrived at church this morning I felt very nervous and more than a little anxious, despite all my enthusiasm and excitedness. I had a somewhat hard time focusing and listening to the sermon this morning because of that. Almost ironically part of the sermon was on vulnerability ( I swear it's a theme in my life right now- it's kind of weird) - I was definitely feeling that way as I walked up onto the stage to be baptized! I felt like my soul had been laid open for all the world to see, and I sort of felt naked and exposed up there on that stage. Which was sort of the point.
When I stepped into that pool and sat there waiting and listening to my statement being read I remember shaking a little from nerves and being grateful the water was warm. While sitting there I was thinking back to last summer's trip to Israel/Palestine when we learned about something called living water. I was also thinking back to last Sunday when I went to the baptism class and all I had learned about it, especially the part about how doing it now as an adult doesn't invalidate the baby baptism and the part about how it's not magic nor required. And of course the most important reason(s) for going through with baptism, which is that it's symbolic of dying and being raised with Christ and also as a way for your community to see and be witness to all the work God's been doing inside of us.
Anyway, I sat down in the pool and got ready to be dunked. I felt confident and sure when I said "yes", and all my nerves sort of melted away as I went under and then came back up grinning to cheers and applause. It kind of did feel like I "died" and then "rose" again. As I'm typing this I'm still feeling the giddiness and joy of having been baptized- it was an awesome experience!
There is still one more pressing thought to share which I've discovered and come to a realization of this last week which is hard for me to admit to but I'm going to write about it anyway. It's almost embarrassing to say just how much I still struggle with self-worthiness. Here are some thoughts in relation to that: I have seen friends come and go so many times and been on the receiving end of words that tear down instead of build up too often. I think I've been rejected one too many times and as a result feel like I'm not worth it or worth others' time. Or not wanted. And it hurts. It's been hard and even isolating, living in the fear of rejection and the feeling of unworthiness. Many times I just don't feel good enough. It makes trying to find new community and friends tough.
But you know what? I at least know, even if I'm still working on my heart knowing, that all of that isn't true. Of course I'm worth it. Of course I'm wanted. I just sometimes need some help believing, not just knowing. That's why I'm sharing it with you all so that you know and that it's not just in my head for me to stew in. Because one thing I learned this summer is it's much better to bring your "shadows" to the light rather than keep them in the darkness where they can fester like a wound and grow sour. When shadows are brought to the light there is healing.
If there was anything to "debunk" these false truths it's the fact I was baptized today. I have fallen in love with the King, the creator of the universe and I am so loved by him- and that's all that really matters in the end, is that I'm loved and adored by the one above. That is who I should ultimately put my worth and trust in. I AM lovable. I AM worth it. I AM wanted. I have died with Christ and risen with Christ through baptism, therefore I will live in the light and be the light for others to see who are struggling just as I do.
Today has been so amazing and I will remember it forever!
Going into today I was super excited for my baptism- I'd been anticipating and looking forward to it all week! It's all I've been able to think about for the last while, and I'll likely keep thinking about this day in the days to come too. When I arrived at church this morning I felt very nervous and more than a little anxious, despite all my enthusiasm and excitedness. I had a somewhat hard time focusing and listening to the sermon this morning because of that. Almost ironically part of the sermon was on vulnerability ( I swear it's a theme in my life right now- it's kind of weird) - I was definitely feeling that way as I walked up onto the stage to be baptized! I felt like my soul had been laid open for all the world to see, and I sort of felt naked and exposed up there on that stage. Which was sort of the point.
When I stepped into that pool and sat there waiting and listening to my statement being read I remember shaking a little from nerves and being grateful the water was warm. While sitting there I was thinking back to last summer's trip to Israel/Palestine when we learned about something called living water. I was also thinking back to last Sunday when I went to the baptism class and all I had learned about it, especially the part about how doing it now as an adult doesn't invalidate the baby baptism and the part about how it's not magic nor required. And of course the most important reason(s) for going through with baptism, which is that it's symbolic of dying and being raised with Christ and also as a way for your community to see and be witness to all the work God's been doing inside of us.
Anyway, I sat down in the pool and got ready to be dunked. I felt confident and sure when I said "yes", and all my nerves sort of melted away as I went under and then came back up grinning to cheers and applause. It kind of did feel like I "died" and then "rose" again. As I'm typing this I'm still feeling the giddiness and joy of having been baptized- it was an awesome experience!
There is still one more pressing thought to share which I've discovered and come to a realization of this last week which is hard for me to admit to but I'm going to write about it anyway. It's almost embarrassing to say just how much I still struggle with self-worthiness. Here are some thoughts in relation to that: I have seen friends come and go so many times and been on the receiving end of words that tear down instead of build up too often. I think I've been rejected one too many times and as a result feel like I'm not worth it or worth others' time. Or not wanted. And it hurts. It's been hard and even isolating, living in the fear of rejection and the feeling of unworthiness. Many times I just don't feel good enough. It makes trying to find new community and friends tough.
But you know what? I at least know, even if I'm still working on my heart knowing, that all of that isn't true. Of course I'm worth it. Of course I'm wanted. I just sometimes need some help believing, not just knowing. That's why I'm sharing it with you all so that you know and that it's not just in my head for me to stew in. Because one thing I learned this summer is it's much better to bring your "shadows" to the light rather than keep them in the darkness where they can fester like a wound and grow sour. When shadows are brought to the light there is healing.
If there was anything to "debunk" these false truths it's the fact I was baptized today. I have fallen in love with the King, the creator of the universe and I am so loved by him- and that's all that really matters in the end, is that I'm loved and adored by the one above. That is who I should ultimately put my worth and trust in. I AM lovable. I AM worth it. I AM wanted. I have died with Christ and risen with Christ through baptism, therefore I will live in the light and be the light for others to see who are struggling just as I do.
Today has been so amazing and I will remember it forever!
Whew! Tears, so eloquent and powerful! So excited for you!
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