Honest Thoughts And Hard Truths
I had a rather odd experience and realization about two hours ago. It was quiet- eerily quiet, more so than it should have been. I think it took me a solid five minutes to figure out why it was so silent all of a sudden. It hit me that it was because my mind was actually at peace and not buzzing with about a million thoughts all at once, like usual. After another few minutes it dawned on me that it was also because I let myself actually feel what I was feeling and let out loud thoughts that had been haunting me for the last while. I haven't been able to think this clearly in a long while.
I'm going to be very honest with you all about my thoughts and feelings, which isn't an easy thing for me to do. Earlier today I went for a walk because I'd been alone for a little too long and came to a difficult realization: I think I have midl depression again. This led me to actually be angry with myself because I'd never wanted to see depression rear it's ugly face ever again. I was also mad with myself because I've somehow convinced myself that I have to be positive, upbeat, and happy/cheery all the time because otherwise no one is going to want to be my friend or be around me. (Sort of a recurring theme from my last post.) It's rather awful. At the same time, it's incredibly freeing to NAME this little beastie and drag it from the darkness to the light. Kind of like taking a leech off of your foot.
You might be wondering how I came to figure out about having mild depression again- what tipped me off was how hard it's been lately to get myself to do things such as laundry, cleaning, writing thank you notes, or even writing an email. It really sucks going back to a place I thought I was finally free of. At least this time it doesn't have to do with my dad's death.
This evening also gave me the chance to give voice to many of my other pressing thoughts too. I love my family, but we just don't share the same views anymore, not since I went away to college/Denver and actually had the chance to think for myself and decide for myself without being swayed one way or another. Once, I thought the way they still do but after having the chance to see some of the world and to experience other parts of it and be witness to different opinions, I no longer think like they do. You might say I'm a lot more open-minded now. Which means when going back to visit for Christmas it's gonna be sort of difficult as I'm going to want to make my voice heard, instead of staying quiet like usual. It's not gonna be pretty, exactly, but I plan on standing up for myself, my beliefs, and for the other(s) I've met, and hopefully I won't aggravate them too much.
Also, I need to say this: I really dislike the way the election has divided our country. I don't like how now there's this "us versus them" rhetoric (not that it's anything new), and it's starting to really drive me crazy. I also don't think it's just a problem with who we elected- I think the problem goes much deeper than we think. It's each of us, individually, that needs to re-examine ourselves and be reminded of who we are and whose we are, as well as to take a deeper look at the condition of our souls. There were several posts on social media about an excerpt from C. S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters" that I think is very relevant to our current situation: (EDIT: He didn't actually write this quote but I still find it relevant nevertheless, even if it is "fake".)
"My Dear Wormwood,
Be sure that the patient remains completely fixated on politics. Arguments, political gossip, and obsessing on the faults of people they have never met serves as an excellent distraction from advancing in personal virtue, character, and the things the patient can control. Make sure to keep the patient in a constant state of angst, frustration, and general disdain towards the rest of the human race in order to avoid any kind of charity or inner peace from further developing. Ensure the patient continues to believe that the problem is 'out there' in the 'broken system' rather than recognizing there is a problem with himself.
Keep up the good work,
Uncle Screwtape. ~1942"
I'm going to be very honest with you all about my thoughts and feelings, which isn't an easy thing for me to do. Earlier today I went for a walk because I'd been alone for a little too long and came to a difficult realization: I think I have midl depression again. This led me to actually be angry with myself because I'd never wanted to see depression rear it's ugly face ever again. I was also mad with myself because I've somehow convinced myself that I have to be positive, upbeat, and happy/cheery all the time because otherwise no one is going to want to be my friend or be around me. (Sort of a recurring theme from my last post.) It's rather awful. At the same time, it's incredibly freeing to NAME this little beastie and drag it from the darkness to the light. Kind of like taking a leech off of your foot.
You might be wondering how I came to figure out about having mild depression again- what tipped me off was how hard it's been lately to get myself to do things such as laundry, cleaning, writing thank you notes, or even writing an email. It really sucks going back to a place I thought I was finally free of. At least this time it doesn't have to do with my dad's death.
This evening also gave me the chance to give voice to many of my other pressing thoughts too. I love my family, but we just don't share the same views anymore, not since I went away to college/Denver and actually had the chance to think for myself and decide for myself without being swayed one way or another. Once, I thought the way they still do but after having the chance to see some of the world and to experience other parts of it and be witness to different opinions, I no longer think like they do. You might say I'm a lot more open-minded now. Which means when going back to visit for Christmas it's gonna be sort of difficult as I'm going to want to make my voice heard, instead of staying quiet like usual. It's not gonna be pretty, exactly, but I plan on standing up for myself, my beliefs, and for the other(s) I've met, and hopefully I won't aggravate them too much.
Also, I need to say this: I really dislike the way the election has divided our country. I don't like how now there's this "us versus them" rhetoric (not that it's anything new), and it's starting to really drive me crazy. I also don't think it's just a problem with who we elected- I think the problem goes much deeper than we think. It's each of us, individually, that needs to re-examine ourselves and be reminded of who we are and whose we are, as well as to take a deeper look at the condition of our souls. There were several posts on social media about an excerpt from C. S. Lewis's "Screwtape Letters" that I think is very relevant to our current situation: (EDIT: He didn't actually write this quote but I still find it relevant nevertheless, even if it is "fake".)
"My Dear Wormwood,
Be sure that the patient remains completely fixated on politics. Arguments, political gossip, and obsessing on the faults of people they have never met serves as an excellent distraction from advancing in personal virtue, character, and the things the patient can control. Make sure to keep the patient in a constant state of angst, frustration, and general disdain towards the rest of the human race in order to avoid any kind of charity or inner peace from further developing. Ensure the patient continues to believe that the problem is 'out there' in the 'broken system' rather than recognizing there is a problem with himself.
Keep up the good work,
Uncle Screwtape. ~1942"
Okay, political/social rant over. I just wish we could all get along and love each other like Jesus wanted us to do.
So yeah. After I was able to get all of this out earlier this evening I found some inner peace-of-mind, which has been rather nice. It was getting quite crowded up in there! I'm sort of scared to post this, so please don't judge me too harshly- it's only my thoughts and opinions and I in no way am trying to attack anyone. Also, if you guys could pray for my depression to go away soon, that'd be awesome.
Keep being wonderful humans and have a lovely week! I believe in you- you can do the thing. 😊
PS: It's acceptable to listen to Christmas music now!
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