Worth More Than Gold
I've had some revelations in the last week about myself. First I want to say that I was wrong- I don't actually have depression- it's actually a case of the lonelies. Living by myself is hard because even though I do my best to meet new people, make new friends, and be involved, I still feel incredibly lonely at times. I think it's because I don't have, to my current knowledge, a solid support group (how does one find these?) or the necessary intimate friendship(s) most people have. I have friends and acquaintances and not really anyone who is truly close to me (in distance for instance) that I can talk to if and when I need it, though there are those (and awesome) few whom have said they'd be available if need be (you know who you are). Which makes it really hard having moved to a new place all by myself. Thankfully God's got my back and I can talk to him whenever I want, though it isn't quite the same thing.
Another revelation I had has to do with how I view myself: self-worth. I realized I don't have very much of that at the moment. It's something that I've struggled with all the way back starting in middle school, before my dad's illness and death, and now that I've sort of worked through that to a better place this past thing has now resurfaced. Ugh, inner demons suck because they are so hard to get rid of. This particular beastie has come about from all the times I was teased, picked on, left out, and from hurtful words. I won't name specific instances. I will say that college was not easy for me because of this foundation from middle school/high school. It wasn't easy for me to make new friends because of the fear I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or- you name it. There were several instances during college where my fears actually happened and the subsequent feeling left out just plain sucked. It caused me to doubt a whole heck of a lot. Because of this hurtful past I've been afraid to make new friends and go any sort of deep with them for fear of being rejected or judged.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk with someone for a little while and they had some really good things/tips for me to do to help combat this lack of self-worth. One thing that stuck out to me from that conversation was that maybe I was born on Christmas because I am truly a gift and God knew I'd need to believe and know that someday. It's going to take a while for me to go from knowing to really and truly believing truths about myself rather than the lies. I'm currently working on speaking truth back into myself and re-learning what God says about me. Tonight I wrote a list of things I am and am not:
I AM NOT:
-unwanted
-unloved
-not worth it
-untalented
-a burden
-a bad friend
-forsaken
-stupid
-a failure
-my parents
-a person who doesn't belong
-inconvenient
-ugly
I AM:
-loved
-wanted
-worth it
-talented
-a good writer
-an artist
-a storyteller
-a child of God
-God's beloved
-intelligent
-someone who loves deeply
-loyal
-one who belongs
-beautiful
-observant
-a quick learner
I also wrote down the "Footprints" poem (one of my favorites) and Hebrews 12:1-3 which says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. for the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of god. consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." These verses just sort of came into my mind while I was writing and spoke to me and gave me some comfort. They were a source of comfort because I realized I'm not the first, nor the last, to be feeling the way I am and that Jesus must have felt this pain at some point too. It was a pretty cool King Sighting.
Okay, now on to the fun part- the part I've been waiting all day for because I'm excited to share it with you all! This morning's sermon sort of hit me in an awesome way- it was about the interruptions that always seemed to happen to Jesus and his disciples as they went on their way all around Israel. But here's the thing- though they were likely frustrated with all the interruptions that happened a lot because they were on their way to do God's will, those interruptions WERE God's will! Interesting, yeah? I thought so too- I'd never thought of the stories in the Gospel's that way before! I came away with the resolve to "make room for interruptions" because that's sometimes (or a lot of the time) how God's will happens or how he chooses to use us (however that may look). I challenge you to do the same.
Christmas is just around the corner, which means so is my birthday- when did that happen? There are a lot of mixed feelings with that as I'll be flying back to Iowa for two weeks and I'm both excited and scared/nervous. I also am not a fan of being by myself all the time, though I'm not sure it'd be too much different were I to stay here- I have no idea. There'll be some people interaction but likely not enough for what I'd like to hope for. I want to hope and be optimistic about my visit back home but I don't want to hope too much and be really disappointed because that'd just make it worse. I guess we shall see! But despite all that it'll be good to see my family again (and my cats!) and I'm looking forward to spending time with them!
Alright, enough rambling from me because I must go see to the birthday cupcakes I'm bringing for my Kindergartner's tomorrow. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to transport them as I don't have a container for them... maybe plastic baggies?? And I finally got my window shut that was stuck open all day! Hooray for not freezing tonight!
Have a lovely week everyone!
Another revelation I had has to do with how I view myself: self-worth. I realized I don't have very much of that at the moment. It's something that I've struggled with all the way back starting in middle school, before my dad's illness and death, and now that I've sort of worked through that to a better place this past thing has now resurfaced. Ugh, inner demons suck because they are so hard to get rid of. This particular beastie has come about from all the times I was teased, picked on, left out, and from hurtful words. I won't name specific instances. I will say that college was not easy for me because of this foundation from middle school/high school. It wasn't easy for me to make new friends because of the fear I wasn't good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or- you name it. There were several instances during college where my fears actually happened and the subsequent feeling left out just plain sucked. It caused me to doubt a whole heck of a lot. Because of this hurtful past I've been afraid to make new friends and go any sort of deep with them for fear of being rejected or judged.
Yesterday I had the chance to talk with someone for a little while and they had some really good things/tips for me to do to help combat this lack of self-worth. One thing that stuck out to me from that conversation was that maybe I was born on Christmas because I am truly a gift and God knew I'd need to believe and know that someday. It's going to take a while for me to go from knowing to really and truly believing truths about myself rather than the lies. I'm currently working on speaking truth back into myself and re-learning what God says about me. Tonight I wrote a list of things I am and am not:
I AM NOT:
-unwanted
-unloved
-not worth it
-untalented
-a burden
-a bad friend
-forsaken
-stupid
-a failure
-my parents
-a person who doesn't belong
-inconvenient
-ugly
I AM:
-loved
-wanted
-worth it
-talented
-a good writer
-an artist
-a storyteller
-a child of God
-God's beloved
-intelligent
-someone who loves deeply
-loyal
-one who belongs
-beautiful
-observant
-a quick learner
I also wrote down the "Footprints" poem (one of my favorites) and Hebrews 12:1-3 which says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. for the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of god. consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." These verses just sort of came into my mind while I was writing and spoke to me and gave me some comfort. They were a source of comfort because I realized I'm not the first, nor the last, to be feeling the way I am and that Jesus must have felt this pain at some point too. It was a pretty cool King Sighting.
Okay, now on to the fun part- the part I've been waiting all day for because I'm excited to share it with you all! This morning's sermon sort of hit me in an awesome way- it was about the interruptions that always seemed to happen to Jesus and his disciples as they went on their way all around Israel. But here's the thing- though they were likely frustrated with all the interruptions that happened a lot because they were on their way to do God's will, those interruptions WERE God's will! Interesting, yeah? I thought so too- I'd never thought of the stories in the Gospel's that way before! I came away with the resolve to "make room for interruptions" because that's sometimes (or a lot of the time) how God's will happens or how he chooses to use us (however that may look). I challenge you to do the same.
Christmas is just around the corner, which means so is my birthday- when did that happen? There are a lot of mixed feelings with that as I'll be flying back to Iowa for two weeks and I'm both excited and scared/nervous. I also am not a fan of being by myself all the time, though I'm not sure it'd be too much different were I to stay here- I have no idea. There'll be some people interaction but likely not enough for what I'd like to hope for. I want to hope and be optimistic about my visit back home but I don't want to hope too much and be really disappointed because that'd just make it worse. I guess we shall see! But despite all that it'll be good to see my family again (and my cats!) and I'm looking forward to spending time with them!
Alright, enough rambling from me because I must go see to the birthday cupcakes I'm bringing for my Kindergartner's tomorrow. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to transport them as I don't have a container for them... maybe plastic baggies?? And I finally got my window shut that was stuck open all day! Hooray for not freezing tonight!
Have a lovely week everyone!
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