When Your Worst Enemy Is Yourself
I've been doing a fair amount of deep-ish thinking this last week or so, much of it having to do with my emotions, because they're so tangled up and confusing. If there was such a thing as being afraid of one's emotions, that would be me. Over the last several months I've come to realize just how much of a wall I've built up around myself, and so thus begins the long and arduous process of breaking it down. At first it was to protect myself but now it just seems like a hindrance in my quest for honesty, authenticity, and vulnerability. And so down it must go. I don't know why I got it into my head that I have to act so tough in the first place! Emotions aren't shameful. They are part of life, and what you and I feel is valid.
Recently I admitted to you all about my having depression again. I'm not sure there's really a specific reason to my falling back into it- it just sort of happened from all of the time spent alone during the week of Thanksgiving. I don't like it. I wish I didn't have it. I want it to go away. Upon first realizing it was back I cried, and have several times since then. Then it turned into frustration and then anger at myself for having fallen back into depression. A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend and they said I didn't need to feel guilt or shame about it, even though I do feel guilt and shame about it. To me it feels as though I'm going to unwittingly drive people away because I have it or that it's going to spread to others like some sort of infectious disease of gloom, which is definitely not the truth.
I want to talk to my friends and those I look up to about it, except I feel as though I'm just going to be a burden, or an inconvenience, or they won't want to listen at all. But all I really need/want right now is a listening ear for me to talk to. One who is willing to listen and not just immediately send me off to a counselor. Counselor's are good but sometimes all one really needs is just a listening ear. Counselor's can come later. (Especially when one doesn't have the financial means at that point in time.) All I want to know is that I'm not alone or that I don't have to be alone and that someone, at least, is willing to walk with me in this. And that I'm loved and wanted and belong. Because that's huge.
What doesn't help is living by myself because it perhaps gives me a little TOO much time on my own to think. Don't get me wrong- I value time to myself but there is definitely such a thing as too much time alone when one is dealing with depression, at least for me. I'm an ambivert- I need both alone time and people time. I've been putting myself out there and doing my best to make new friends here in Denver! I've found some pretty awesome people that I enjoy being around. I'm hoping to be able to continue these new relationships in the months and years to come and that they won't just drop off into oblivion. Same with keeping up with my college friends.
Speaking of friends- I have a confession to make. I've been both excited and scared to make new friends. Why am I afraid? I'm afraid these new friendships are only going to be temporary. I'm afraid to trust myself to open up and be authentic and honest because I might scare them away with the darker parts of my past. I'm afraid they might not like me if I reveal some of what I like and like to do, or lack of, sometimes. I'm afraid of rejection and of being a loner for the rest of my life. I want friends and companionship so badly I don't want to screw it up. Because I have screwed it up in the past and have sometimes been on the receiving end of being told people don't really want me around for one reason or another. It encourages trust issues. God created us to be relational beings and beings meant to be in relationship with one another- not loners.
You know what though? Even though I feel this way I know that God still loves me. He is constant. He is the lover of my soul and the one I turn to in all of this. I'm his beloved child and he will never leave me or forsake me. He takes great delight in each and every one of us after all! We are wonderfully and fearfully made. I will choose to embrace the truth rather than the lies. I will choose to believe I'm loved by the One above whom I've fallen hopelessly in love with.
I don't have to hide behind any walls or be afraid of what I feel. It's okay to be emotional- it's part of being human after all! And none of us are perfect. The title to this blog post says much, I think.
On a happier and exciting note- this next Sunday I get to perform with the improv group I joined! We're doing a performance or two of making stuff up on the spot for my church's gala! It's the first time I'll have had the chance to do improv for an audience and not in a class or at college. 😎
Recently I admitted to you all about my having depression again. I'm not sure there's really a specific reason to my falling back into it- it just sort of happened from all of the time spent alone during the week of Thanksgiving. I don't like it. I wish I didn't have it. I want it to go away. Upon first realizing it was back I cried, and have several times since then. Then it turned into frustration and then anger at myself for having fallen back into depression. A few days ago I had a conversation with a friend and they said I didn't need to feel guilt or shame about it, even though I do feel guilt and shame about it. To me it feels as though I'm going to unwittingly drive people away because I have it or that it's going to spread to others like some sort of infectious disease of gloom, which is definitely not the truth.
I want to talk to my friends and those I look up to about it, except I feel as though I'm just going to be a burden, or an inconvenience, or they won't want to listen at all. But all I really need/want right now is a listening ear for me to talk to. One who is willing to listen and not just immediately send me off to a counselor. Counselor's are good but sometimes all one really needs is just a listening ear. Counselor's can come later. (Especially when one doesn't have the financial means at that point in time.) All I want to know is that I'm not alone or that I don't have to be alone and that someone, at least, is willing to walk with me in this. And that I'm loved and wanted and belong. Because that's huge.
What doesn't help is living by myself because it perhaps gives me a little TOO much time on my own to think. Don't get me wrong- I value time to myself but there is definitely such a thing as too much time alone when one is dealing with depression, at least for me. I'm an ambivert- I need both alone time and people time. I've been putting myself out there and doing my best to make new friends here in Denver! I've found some pretty awesome people that I enjoy being around. I'm hoping to be able to continue these new relationships in the months and years to come and that they won't just drop off into oblivion. Same with keeping up with my college friends.
Speaking of friends- I have a confession to make. I've been both excited and scared to make new friends. Why am I afraid? I'm afraid these new friendships are only going to be temporary. I'm afraid to trust myself to open up and be authentic and honest because I might scare them away with the darker parts of my past. I'm afraid they might not like me if I reveal some of what I like and like to do, or lack of, sometimes. I'm afraid of rejection and of being a loner for the rest of my life. I want friends and companionship so badly I don't want to screw it up. Because I have screwed it up in the past and have sometimes been on the receiving end of being told people don't really want me around for one reason or another. It encourages trust issues. God created us to be relational beings and beings meant to be in relationship with one another- not loners.
You know what though? Even though I feel this way I know that God still loves me. He is constant. He is the lover of my soul and the one I turn to in all of this. I'm his beloved child and he will never leave me or forsake me. He takes great delight in each and every one of us after all! We are wonderfully and fearfully made. I will choose to embrace the truth rather than the lies. I will choose to believe I'm loved by the One above whom I've fallen hopelessly in love with.
I don't have to hide behind any walls or be afraid of what I feel. It's okay to be emotional- it's part of being human after all! And none of us are perfect. The title to this blog post says much, I think.
On a happier and exciting note- this next Sunday I get to perform with the improv group I joined! We're doing a performance or two of making stuff up on the spot for my church's gala! It's the first time I'll have had the chance to do improv for an audience and not in a class or at college. 😎
Go Caitlin!!
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