Back To The Midwest And Other Stories
I have to say, it's been quite the week since the last time I made a blog post a week ago. I worked the first three days of the week which was kind of fun, as we did more Christmas-type things and had a holiday party, and the Kindergartners had a mini birthday party for me and sang happy birthday. 😊 On Wednesday after work I packed up my apartment and Thursday morning I had some help moving my boxes and things into the house where I'll be staying for the next few months. Those of you who I met this summer will know it- it's the DUS house! So that's pretty cool. I got to visit someone Thursday afternoon which was fun and it helped with some of my nerves for flying back the next day. I also did a fair amount of cleaning.
Friday morning I took the train to the airport and hung out there until my flight left, slightly delayed, at about 3pm. It reached the Des Moines airport around 6pm central time and I was picked up from there by one of my college friends. From there I was able to spend the night at her house, which was fun. The next day, Saturday, I waited for what seemed like forever for my mom to get there so that we could go to Albert Lea, Minnesota for family time Christmas Eve. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time there with my family and cousins as I would have liked to, but it was still nice to see them. I was also able to go to a Christmas Eve service at the church I used to go to, though it didn't have much life to it. Today, Christmas, was my 23rd birthday and I spent much of it in Mason City, Iowa with the other half of my family. That was also good. And then tonight my mom and I had cake and played a game of cribbage, which I won. It was a good birthday.
Now for all the stuff I didn't say in the above paragraph:
I've had some culture shock coming back to Iowa these last few days. I definitely could tell that I returned to what's referred to as the Bible belt and a more conservative way of thinking, and it's been clear to me I am not the same person who left many months ago, nor do I share the same beliefs and views as many here do. I've changed and grown and I haven't quite known what to do with it, to be honest. It's been a little awkward. I've had to bite my tongue several times already to stop myself from saying something I might later regret, not that it hasn't already happened a few times. It's kind of frustrating, to be honest, not being able to say what's on my mind, and I was almost in tears twice now. And I'm not generally an emotional person. I don't like having to hide my true self. I made a comment today after someone in my family said something about girlfriends and I joked about not having one either. It was meant to lighten the mood but it was taken completely the wrong way and I got some dark looks and some comments from some of my family about it to the point where I had to say, "I was only joking- I wasn't being serious", even though I may or may not have been. I was only being funny.
I had to try not to strangle some members of my family yesterday and today out of frustration. My grandma kept making comments about every little thing and then relating it back to God and then how I should be honored to share my birthday with Jesus. Just to name one thing. Yeah, but what about my day? Don't I get to have a birthday or does it always have to be shadowed by Christmas? Oh, and the Bible is apparently infallible and it's word is law. (Though, it does seem like my uncle has started to convince her otherwise, in a way.) I don't quite agree there grandma. (I must be a heathen! :/ ) She also thinks everything the TV says must be true and I tried not to go bananas when I said that she shouldn't trust everything the media portrays. I could go on about how my grandma is often frustrating in what she says- but I do still love her. And don't even get me started on my uncle and his alien theories- or do, but I'll discuss that one in person. I love my family but sometimes they can be face-palm worthy. Okay, I'll stop the rant now.
Frustration has reigned supreme this weekend for me, as you may be able to tell. I actually was almost in tears yesterday because I was so sick and tired of being seen as a mini-me to my mom and her views and tired of not being seen for ME. (Don't get me wrong- I love my mom!) Oh, the tension and awkwardness was real! Being a theatre person (or just me), I could read their faces and invisible secret code that was being passed between each person and I got the feeling I was being left out of something(s). I knew why, I just didn't know how to fix it. And it wasn't just yesterday- it was today too. I even had a whole rant going in my head about how I'm MY OWN PERSON and not a carbon copy of my parents. Why I even have to deal with this still I don't know. I have my own views and beliefs and they are NOT the same as many of my family here in the Midwest. Please get to know me before you judge me that way! It's annoying and frustrating. Blah. I'm more open than you think.
On top of all that I've been trying to start the healing process of moving from feelings of lack of self-worth to feelings of worth. The above definitely didn't help, although something that was said to me on Thursday sure did. I even journaled about it! It was sure good to hear that we are all wanted by God and that he desires to see none of us go "down". Today helped remind me that I'm a gift (with a Christmas bow on top!) and of how loved I am by my family, friends, and God. It's hard to reconcile with all the change that's been happening in me but I know I will never have to walk alone.
I guess it's time for me and my confused emotions to go to bed! Next week won't be so much ranting- I just needed to tell people how I felt because I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You all are loved and wanted and awesome. Yes, you, you who are reading this. I hope you guys have a great week!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
Friday morning I took the train to the airport and hung out there until my flight left, slightly delayed, at about 3pm. It reached the Des Moines airport around 6pm central time and I was picked up from there by one of my college friends. From there I was able to spend the night at her house, which was fun. The next day, Saturday, I waited for what seemed like forever for my mom to get there so that we could go to Albert Lea, Minnesota for family time Christmas Eve. I didn't get to spend nearly as much time there with my family and cousins as I would have liked to, but it was still nice to see them. I was also able to go to a Christmas Eve service at the church I used to go to, though it didn't have much life to it. Today, Christmas, was my 23rd birthday and I spent much of it in Mason City, Iowa with the other half of my family. That was also good. And then tonight my mom and I had cake and played a game of cribbage, which I won. It was a good birthday.
Now for all the stuff I didn't say in the above paragraph:
I've had some culture shock coming back to Iowa these last few days. I definitely could tell that I returned to what's referred to as the Bible belt and a more conservative way of thinking, and it's been clear to me I am not the same person who left many months ago, nor do I share the same beliefs and views as many here do. I've changed and grown and I haven't quite known what to do with it, to be honest. It's been a little awkward. I've had to bite my tongue several times already to stop myself from saying something I might later regret, not that it hasn't already happened a few times. It's kind of frustrating, to be honest, not being able to say what's on my mind, and I was almost in tears twice now. And I'm not generally an emotional person. I don't like having to hide my true self. I made a comment today after someone in my family said something about girlfriends and I joked about not having one either. It was meant to lighten the mood but it was taken completely the wrong way and I got some dark looks and some comments from some of my family about it to the point where I had to say, "I was only joking- I wasn't being serious", even though I may or may not have been. I was only being funny.
I had to try not to strangle some members of my family yesterday and today out of frustration. My grandma kept making comments about every little thing and then relating it back to God and then how I should be honored to share my birthday with Jesus. Just to name one thing. Yeah, but what about my day? Don't I get to have a birthday or does it always have to be shadowed by Christmas? Oh, and the Bible is apparently infallible and it's word is law. (Though, it does seem like my uncle has started to convince her otherwise, in a way.) I don't quite agree there grandma. (I must be a heathen! :/ ) She also thinks everything the TV says must be true and I tried not to go bananas when I said that she shouldn't trust everything the media portrays. I could go on about how my grandma is often frustrating in what she says- but I do still love her. And don't even get me started on my uncle and his alien theories- or do, but I'll discuss that one in person. I love my family but sometimes they can be face-palm worthy. Okay, I'll stop the rant now.
Frustration has reigned supreme this weekend for me, as you may be able to tell. I actually was almost in tears yesterday because I was so sick and tired of being seen as a mini-me to my mom and her views and tired of not being seen for ME. (Don't get me wrong- I love my mom!) Oh, the tension and awkwardness was real! Being a theatre person (or just me), I could read their faces and invisible secret code that was being passed between each person and I got the feeling I was being left out of something(s). I knew why, I just didn't know how to fix it. And it wasn't just yesterday- it was today too. I even had a whole rant going in my head about how I'm MY OWN PERSON and not a carbon copy of my parents. Why I even have to deal with this still I don't know. I have my own views and beliefs and they are NOT the same as many of my family here in the Midwest. Please get to know me before you judge me that way! It's annoying and frustrating. Blah. I'm more open than you think.
On top of all that I've been trying to start the healing process of moving from feelings of lack of self-worth to feelings of worth. The above definitely didn't help, although something that was said to me on Thursday sure did. I even journaled about it! It was sure good to hear that we are all wanted by God and that he desires to see none of us go "down". Today helped remind me that I'm a gift (with a Christmas bow on top!) and of how loved I am by my family, friends, and God. It's hard to reconcile with all the change that's been happening in me but I know I will never have to walk alone.
I guess it's time for me and my confused emotions to go to bed! Next week won't be so much ranting- I just needed to tell people how I felt because I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You all are loved and wanted and awesome. Yes, you, you who are reading this. I hope you guys have a great week!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
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