A Weekend of Being, AKA R&R for the Soul

"Worry not my daughters,

Worry not my sons

Child, when life don't seem worth livin'

Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms

Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'

Never hide your face from me

I have conquered hell and driven out the demons

I have come with a life to set you free"

~From "Come to Jesus" but Heatherlyn version~

This past weekend was the second annual Left Hand Church retreat in Estes Park.  For me, it was a much needed get-away from life for a few days, almost like hitting a reset button.  It was good to be with many of my people; people whom I love dearly.  Sometimes life just gets to be overwhelming, you know?

It especially feels that way when I'm on the path of figuring myself out and what I want and am passionate about for now and the future.  Being in my 20's is quite a challenging time!  So much is happening and I'm growing so much all the time.  If I were to go back in time to three and a half years ago I would find a much different person.  It's humbling.  Right now feels overwhelming because of making choices in terms of a new job and actually being able to think about my future.  It still feels a little weird to me after having spent so long in survival mode and not being able to think about the future- funny how not having all of your needs met does that.  Now that I get to have the space to I've been looking very deeply into myself in an effort to discover more information to figure out what my passions are, who I am, and what I want for the future.  It's hard work.  I'm really glad I get to have access to a wonderful therapist for help too.  I get to go on a journey of healing not everyone is able to, and that is exciting.  It's often difficult to have patience though- sometimes I just want to know!  But I also know part of the journey is the process of discovery and the not-knowing.  Being certain is a rarity, and who's certain of anything anyway?  Aren't we all just trying to figure this thing called life out?

One of the activities from the retreat was a 3 hour lecture about the Enneagram.  I feel fairly well-read and knowledgeable about it as I have been looking up all things having to do with it since I first found out about it back in spring of 2014.  The Enneagram is a useful tool for getting to know yourself and for better knowing how you live, interact, and work in the world.  It can also be challenging figuring out which of the nine types you are.  I have mis-typed myself multiple times at this point in my life.  A reason I think this happened is because at each point in time I have been at a different place, slowly peeling back the layers of my essence in order to figure out who my true self is without the influences of family, culture, and what other people think.  In order, these are what I used to think I was:  9 (peacemaker), 4 (individualist), and 6 (the loyalist).  Because of this retreat I have more deeply taken an examination of who I am and how I function in the world and a more true seeing of myself.  Lately all of this deep examining feels very existential.

I like what was talked about in the sermon at the retreat about taking off pieces of armor that don't fit.  They talked about it in the context of David and how he tried to wear armor that didn't fit or feel right so he took it off and went as only himself and a sling.  It was then related to the Enneagram and how as we grow we may find certain pieces may not fit us anymore because we have grown and discovered more about ourselves.  They talked about changing types after learning more about themselves, and I related so much to that.  As I've learned more about myself through life, conversations with others, and through therapy, I realized I function and go about life like an Enneagram type 7.  As it was being explained all I could do was laugh because I related to it so much.  I could be wrong and it may change as I learn more about me but I feel fairly solid as a 7.  In the past I've been told no, that's not my number, and I think part of owning myself is learning that actually, I function so much like a 7.  Just because I'm quieter or don't fit the stereotypical mold doesn't mean I'm not.

Yoga was another part of the retreat.  I really loved this hour of yoga because it brought me back into my body and more in touch with my being.  My favorite part was when we sat really straight and were walked through four different parts of our body:  the centers for creativity, passion/inner fire, the heart, and voice.  It inspired me to sit up straighter and ignited in me a curiosity about yoga and the body.  I want to try that practice to see if it will help me with the four centers we worked and breathed through plus more.

Going into today I had a dream.  It's not often I share them with the greater population; however, this one stuck out to me, though I'm editing the actual people out for their privacy.  In my dream I rode the bus with a few friends to the movie theatre.  When we were leaving I saw two people robbing my car, though I have no idea how they got there, and I proceeded to chase them down.  Somehow with the help of other people they got caught and were taken into custody by the police.  When the police talked to me and gave me reimbursement for what they stole my dream self was worried it wasn't going to be enough to pay for what was lost and also for basic needs.  A person from Left Hand was there and I hugged her and cried as she comforted me.  There was also a whiteboard with words written on it that described me and my life- past, present, and future.  One stuck out to me in particular, though I'm not ready to say what it is yet to the wider public.  Then the dream shifted and I found myself at work in a school and they were having a contest of sorts.  The contest was about future potential and future jobs.  I was selected to take part in it but I failed the test.

If I were to analyze this dream I would say it speaks truth.  The first part with my car being robbed has to do with me being afraid to lose my car and the freedom that it gives me and the ability to improve my quality of life.  It also has to do with my past situation of not having enough to cover my basic needs and I fear being in that situation again.  The person who was there for me is one of my hero's, though they do not know that.  They've been through so much and I take courage from it.  The whiteboard is particularly interesting because yesterday I went on a walk and was chatting with God for a little while about my future and asked if She could reveal to me and speak to me about it- it appears the dream could be a piece of that.  As for the last part of my dream I think it has a large part to do with my wanting a new job and also about a project or two I'm currently working on that's been in my head for over a year now.  I'm afraid of failing and in that sense I'm a bit of a perfectionist because I want to get it right the first time, and I want to have all of the information.  What I'm learning is you don't have to have all of it together in order to do the thing- you just have to have the courage to start.

This year feels big and as though it will be super significant for me, and for sure much better and the opposite of last year.  I wouldn't trade last year for anything though.  What I learned and the ways in which I grew are so important to me that it makes all of the pain and suffering worth it.  I'm excited for this year!  And I am so grateful to have gotten the chance to go on the Left Hand retreat this weekend.