It's Okay To Not Be Okay
After a month of not writing, I'm breaking my silence.
I wish I could say everything that I'd like to, but I'm not yet able to for personal reasons. Eventually I'd like to be able to tell you all but today is not that day. Not yet. I'm on a path of self-discovery and for now that's all that needs to be said about it.
There's been a lot that's been on my mind in recent times- quite a bit pertaining to myself. The sermon this morning put into words something I've been thinking for a while but haven't actually been brave enough to say until recently- It's okay to not be okay. Let me say it again: It's okay to not be okay. I think that's something our culture has drilled into us and lately it's been driving me crazy that we can't be honest with each other and just come out and say if we're struggling and that we're not doing okay. It's all right to feel this way and it is definitely not shameful to admit to others if we are currently struggling. I have found that it's better to admit it and be open with others rather than keep everything all bottled up inside- it's not exactly the healthiest thing to do. It's like they say, "better out than in!"
When I am open with people about what's going on inside I have found that I'm not nearly as ugly or unlovable as I might think if I were to keep it all to myself on the inside. I have found it's really quite freeing, even though it's terrifying, to admit you might need some help and support. Generally openness with others is rewarded with their being open with you as well, and often times you'll find they too have walked a similar path to the one you are walking. We aren't meant to walk this life alone- we're meant to be in community and relationship with one another. Independence isn't always a good thing. I'll be the first to admit how hard and scary it is to actually get off your butt and go do the thing and be vulnerable with others.
While posting on social media isn't the most personal thing I could do, it is the best way to inform people of my thoughts and feelings when they aren't in the same area as I, or to share a message that's been weighing on my heart lately. Because of that I want to share with you, those who are reading this, an "aha" moment I had the other day, and it's actually rather scary to admit to but I want to be open and honest. Friends- I'm dealing with quite a bit of shame. Much of it is from my past and some of it is from my college years. Part of it is intertwined with the thing I mentioned at the beginning which I cannot yet say. It's a reason I made a post to Facebook the other day asking for support. And it's also partly why I loved today's church sermon.
I'm still struggling to put all my thoughts that I want to say into coherent words. My mind is fairly jumbled right now. I've been wrestling with God a ton, especially this last few weeks. I've had some good talks with my roommate too, which have helped a lot, especially with finding some inner peace. Something I've learned this week is God is a God who suffers, and he does so right along with us. He's there in the struggles, staying awake with us in our Garden of Gethsemane. His closest friends couldn't stay awake for him but he stays awake with us and I think that's really cool and powerful. Because we have a God who joins us in our deepest suffering I and all of us can be assured that whatever we face in life we will never walk that path alone. At least, that's been a comfort to me as I sit and wrestle and heal and discover!
It's okay to not have everything figured out. I don't. Heck, I'm only 23! But it is good to know there is support and those who care and love us so that we won't ever have to traverse this bumpy road that is life alone.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't too disjointed and scrambled and that it made at least some sense. To the right is a picture I made today in honor of Lent. I also hope you all have a lovely week! You are all awesome. And I truly do mean that.
Much love,
Caitlin
I wish I could say everything that I'd like to, but I'm not yet able to for personal reasons. Eventually I'd like to be able to tell you all but today is not that day. Not yet. I'm on a path of self-discovery and for now that's all that needs to be said about it.
There's been a lot that's been on my mind in recent times- quite a bit pertaining to myself. The sermon this morning put into words something I've been thinking for a while but haven't actually been brave enough to say until recently- It's okay to not be okay. Let me say it again: It's okay to not be okay. I think that's something our culture has drilled into us and lately it's been driving me crazy that we can't be honest with each other and just come out and say if we're struggling and that we're not doing okay. It's all right to feel this way and it is definitely not shameful to admit to others if we are currently struggling. I have found that it's better to admit it and be open with others rather than keep everything all bottled up inside- it's not exactly the healthiest thing to do. It's like they say, "better out than in!"
When I am open with people about what's going on inside I have found that I'm not nearly as ugly or unlovable as I might think if I were to keep it all to myself on the inside. I have found it's really quite freeing, even though it's terrifying, to admit you might need some help and support. Generally openness with others is rewarded with their being open with you as well, and often times you'll find they too have walked a similar path to the one you are walking. We aren't meant to walk this life alone- we're meant to be in community and relationship with one another. Independence isn't always a good thing. I'll be the first to admit how hard and scary it is to actually get off your butt and go do the thing and be vulnerable with others.
While posting on social media isn't the most personal thing I could do, it is the best way to inform people of my thoughts and feelings when they aren't in the same area as I, or to share a message that's been weighing on my heart lately. Because of that I want to share with you, those who are reading this, an "aha" moment I had the other day, and it's actually rather scary to admit to but I want to be open and honest. Friends- I'm dealing with quite a bit of shame. Much of it is from my past and some of it is from my college years. Part of it is intertwined with the thing I mentioned at the beginning which I cannot yet say. It's a reason I made a post to Facebook the other day asking for support. And it's also partly why I loved today's church sermon.
I'm still struggling to put all my thoughts that I want to say into coherent words. My mind is fairly jumbled right now. I've been wrestling with God a ton, especially this last few weeks. I've had some good talks with my roommate too, which have helped a lot, especially with finding some inner peace. Something I've learned this week is God is a God who suffers, and he does so right along with us. He's there in the struggles, staying awake with us in our Garden of Gethsemane. His closest friends couldn't stay awake for him but he stays awake with us and I think that's really cool and powerful. Because we have a God who joins us in our deepest suffering I and all of us can be assured that whatever we face in life we will never walk that path alone. At least, that's been a comfort to me as I sit and wrestle and heal and discover!
It's okay to not have everything figured out. I don't. Heck, I'm only 23! But it is good to know there is support and those who care and love us so that we won't ever have to traverse this bumpy road that is life alone.
Anyway, I hope this wasn't too disjointed and scrambled and that it made at least some sense. To the right is a picture I made today in honor of Lent. I also hope you all have a lovely week! You are all awesome. And I truly do mean that.
Much love,
Caitlin
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