Find Your Light
Tonight found me looking back at old blogs and blog posts I've written over the last several years which was sort of a journey for me. I wasn't sure what I'd feel looking back at them and to be honest, I was kind of scared to look at them. That fear came from not really wanting to see how depressed and lonely I was in the last few years but curiosity drew me on. And you know what I found? I found that though I was those things I feared reading about there was also abundant hope and joy to be found as well. In every single blog post I have written thus far, I've noticed there is always me talking about God and his goodness even if I wasn't feeling it on that particular day. It seems to me upon looking back that I've always had a strong faith in God which has grown into trusting him too. It's almost like reading the words of a Warrior of Faith who though she has troubles, trials, and tribulations she is always looking to the One above. I found it interesting that a past version of myself could give me so much hope for today- And I also realized that the same person of faith I was reading about then has grown into a much better, stronger, and more courageous version of herself now, with a deeper and more trusting relationship with God.
There was one other major detail I noticed while reading my past blogs- I started off being very vulnerable and open with the world and being open about my feelings, and then it's almost as if a door slammed shut and cut off the most authentic part(s) of my writings. It was intriguing seeing that change happen in my posts the more and more recent they became, and I couldn't help but reflect a little on this past summer and the ways I've grown. Now days I'm starting to re-learn how to again be open and vulnerable with the world, almost like I did back then- only now it's more as actual human-to-human interaction rather than me hiding behind a screen. Which requires a lot more courage and bravery. This is something I'm now striving for/towards- to be vulnerable and authentic.
Ever since I first set foot in Denver I've been learning and growing in so many ways. One way I've been growing is in learning more about myself. I've been learning how to face my fears and to just go and "do it anyway", even if it scares me. "If your dreams don't scare you then they aren't big enough". There was one person at the end of the summer who told me what I felt was valid and it was so so helpful and freeing to hear and be told that. Sometimes that's all we need in a moment; to be told what we are feeling is valid, especially since many times it feels as though we don't have permission to feel a certain way because it might not be "acceptable" at the time. I was also in a class this summer in which we discussed and talked about both Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. Of the two I've found the latter to be more helpful to me. At first I accidentally mis-typed myself but a few weeks ago I looked into it again and discovered the correct typing, with some guidance. It was freeing to me to learn about my personality typing and the potential pitfalls and ways to avoid them, sort of like an "Oh" moment. This is just to name a few- I also grew in courage and leadership this summer.
It's been a challenging two months of moving to Denver and starting my first "real" job and figuring out how to find community in a city. I've been doing it though- I found community in the church I joined and at Issachar, which is a place I stayed this summer that has community meals each Tuesday. I also found it in the small groups I joined through my church: improv, writing, and a discussion group for those in their 20's and 30's. Ever so slowly I'm beginning to make a new life for myself and make new friends. Perhaps by this next summer I'll have made some really good friends here in Denver! Maybe even sooner. I think it's very likely, with the cool people I've met so far. There's also been one family that's been like a host family to me and I appreciate them so much.
I think, ever so slowly, I'm beginning to find my true "light". Sort of like in the theatre when we say "find your light". I'm not yet sure what this looks like or what exactly this is but I do know I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I've wrestled with this for the last few months and have, for the most part, come to find peace with the decision to move to Denver. It's been hard. I've been homesick. I've dearly missed my college friends. At times it's been isolating. I've been lonely. But God is good- he will see me through this new stage of life, just like he's done in the past. In the coming weeks I have an important decision to make that I feel like God's telling me is the right one for this stage of life, one that's been on my mind for the last three years. I'm both excited and scared. And nervous.
Happy Halloween everyone!
To the King!
There was one other major detail I noticed while reading my past blogs- I started off being very vulnerable and open with the world and being open about my feelings, and then it's almost as if a door slammed shut and cut off the most authentic part(s) of my writings. It was intriguing seeing that change happen in my posts the more and more recent they became, and I couldn't help but reflect a little on this past summer and the ways I've grown. Now days I'm starting to re-learn how to again be open and vulnerable with the world, almost like I did back then- only now it's more as actual human-to-human interaction rather than me hiding behind a screen. Which requires a lot more courage and bravery. This is something I'm now striving for/towards- to be vulnerable and authentic.
Ever since I first set foot in Denver I've been learning and growing in so many ways. One way I've been growing is in learning more about myself. I've been learning how to face my fears and to just go and "do it anyway", even if it scares me. "If your dreams don't scare you then they aren't big enough". There was one person at the end of the summer who told me what I felt was valid and it was so so helpful and freeing to hear and be told that. Sometimes that's all we need in a moment; to be told what we are feeling is valid, especially since many times it feels as though we don't have permission to feel a certain way because it might not be "acceptable" at the time. I was also in a class this summer in which we discussed and talked about both Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. Of the two I've found the latter to be more helpful to me. At first I accidentally mis-typed myself but a few weeks ago I looked into it again and discovered the correct typing, with some guidance. It was freeing to me to learn about my personality typing and the potential pitfalls and ways to avoid them, sort of like an "Oh" moment. This is just to name a few- I also grew in courage and leadership this summer.
It's been a challenging two months of moving to Denver and starting my first "real" job and figuring out how to find community in a city. I've been doing it though- I found community in the church I joined and at Issachar, which is a place I stayed this summer that has community meals each Tuesday. I also found it in the small groups I joined through my church: improv, writing, and a discussion group for those in their 20's and 30's. Ever so slowly I'm beginning to make a new life for myself and make new friends. Perhaps by this next summer I'll have made some really good friends here in Denver! Maybe even sooner. I think it's very likely, with the cool people I've met so far. There's also been one family that's been like a host family to me and I appreciate them so much.
I think, ever so slowly, I'm beginning to find my true "light". Sort of like in the theatre when we say "find your light". I'm not yet sure what this looks like or what exactly this is but I do know I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I've wrestled with this for the last few months and have, for the most part, come to find peace with the decision to move to Denver. It's been hard. I've been homesick. I've dearly missed my college friends. At times it's been isolating. I've been lonely. But God is good- he will see me through this new stage of life, just like he's done in the past. In the coming weeks I have an important decision to make that I feel like God's telling me is the right one for this stage of life, one that's been on my mind for the last three years. I'm both excited and scared. And nervous.
Happy Halloween everyone!
To the King!
Wow! I'm so, so glad I kept my computer on just long enough to trip across this very poignant post. I love being part of your journey and watching you take this path of self-discovery, growth and being privy to just a part of what is unfolding. Your writing is powerful and profound. ~ Ellen
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing and fun to read your process as you follow God's leading! It is fun to watch you grow and dare to live YOUR life!
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